S2K. Written by Adam Greene, Art by Bachan

S2K Part 4
By Adam Greene
9-6-2000

Page 1.

Panel 1. Bill Brady (Bill Bradley) stands outside of his limo with his entourage (two Secret Service agents and his campaign manager Fred Hopkins-fictional character). He’s surrounded by reporters and confidently makes his statement.

BILL: AS SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER HELD ONE RELIGIOUS BELIEF OVER ANOTHER, I WELCOME SATAN INTO THE DEMOCRATIC RACE.

BILL: I LOOK FORWARD TO DEBATING HIM AND DISCOVERING HOW HE TRULY FEELS ABOUT THE ISSUES FACING AMERICA TODAY.

Panel 2. Bill and company enter the back of his limo. He waves to the reporters and smiles.

REPORTERS: SENATOR BRADY! SENATOR!

BILL: NO MORE QUESTIONS TODAY. THANK YOU.

Panel 3. Inside the limo, the doors are shut and Bill and Fred sit next to each other staring straight ahead blankly.

Panel 4. Same as Panel 3, except Bill turns to Fred, panicked. Fred flinches.

BILL: GET MY SPIRITUAL ADVISORS ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!

BILL: I WANT THEM ALL AT MY APARTMENT IN TWENTY MINUTES!

Panel 5. Fred dials his cell phone. Bill slumps back in the seat with his hands on his head.

BILL: SATAN? SATAN? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

BILL: HOW’M I... HOW’M I SUPPOSED TO—

Panel 6. Bill grabs his chest like he’s having heart attack. Fred looks to Bill with angered surprise.

FRED: OH SHIT! AGAIN?!

FRED: DRIVER! SPEED IT UP!

Panel 7. Fred frantically dials his cell phone again. Bill continues to clutch his chest in pain.

FRED: THIS IS YOUR FOURTH HEART ATTACK THIS WEEK, DAMMIT!

FRED: TAKE A FUCKING NITRO PILL, FOR SHIT’S SAKE.

Panel 8. Bill, sweating, begins to fumble with a pill bottle in obvious pain. Fred has the phone up to his ear, annoyed.

FRED: I’M GETTING THE DOCTOR ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

FRED: SHIT.

Panel 9. Bill continues to wrestle with the bottle. Fred speaks into the phone.

FRED: HEY, PETE. YEAH, IT’S ME AGAIN.

FRED: YEAH, I KNOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? FOURTH ONE. YOU KNOW WHERE TO MEET US.

Page 2.

Panel 1. (long panel atop page). Bill is in bed. His doctor sits on the side of the bed, putting his equipment back into his doctor bag. Fred stands next to him.

FRED: HOW BAD WAS IT THIS TIME?

DOCTOR: I CAN’T BE SURE WITHOUT GETTING HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.

FRED: THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

FRED: JUST GIVE HIM SOME MORE PILLS OR SOMETHING. I’M TRYING TO RUN A CAMPAIGN HERE.

Panel 2. Fred hands a huge envelope of cash to the doctor.

FRED: I CAN’T GO THREE STEPS WITHOUT MY CANDIDATE TRYING TO FUCKING DIE ON ME.

DOCTOR: WELL, I WON’T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE...

Panel 3. Bill grabs Fred by the wrist and asks a question.

FRED: WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE MY ADVISORS?

Panel 4. Fred turns to Bill.

FRED: JUST IN THE NEXT ROOM.

BILL: TAKE ME TO THEM.

Panel 5. (long panel at the bottom of the page) Bill sits in the right side of the panel in his pajamas with Fred standing behind him. Before him is a small table. On the left side of the table, you see the Dalai Lama, a Wiccan Priestess (Basically a fat Goth chick with shitty silver jewelry), a “Bone-through-the-nose” African Witch Doctor, and a Native American Shaman. (You can make these people look as ridiculously cliche as you want).

BILL: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR COMING.

Page 3.

Panel 1. The Wiccan Priestess sits before Bill at the table. He pleads with her.

BILL: CERDWIN, PLEASE CONSULT THE EARTH GODDESS AND TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO TO WIN THE NOMINATION.

Panel 2. The Wiccan chick shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. Bill hangs his head in defeat.

WICCAN: HEY, THIS WHOLE SATAN THING HAS SENT MY MENTAL GESTALTE INTO A TAILSPIN.

WICCAN: I MEAN, I ONLY BECAME A WICCA TO MEET OTHER CHUBBY LESBIANS. THIS IS OVER MY HEAD.

Panel 3. The Dalai Lama sits before Bill (identical positions to panel 1. In fact, you could cut and paste Bill into each of these panels because he’ll be doing the same thing in each one).

BILL: YOU’VE LIVED COUNTLESS LIVES AND EXPERIENCED SO MUCH AS THE DALAI LAMA. TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.

Panel 4. The Dalai Lama shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. Bill hangs his head in defeat.

LAMA: HMM. UHMMM. WELL...

LAMA: DID I EVER TELL YOU I MET JOHN LENNON?

Panel 5. The Native American Shaman sits before Bill at the table.

BILL: YOU ARE THE SHAMAN. YOU’VE SEPERATED YOURSELF FROM SOCIETY IN ORDER TO FIND HIGHER TRUTHS. TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Panel 6. The Shaman shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. Bill hangs his head in defeat.

SHAMAN: DUDE, I’M SO HIGH RIGHT NOW I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHAT DAY IT IS.

SHAMAN: I FOUND THESE MUSHROOMS GROWING OUT OF SOME DOGSHIT AND THEY HAVE FUCKED ME UP.

Panel 7. The African Witch Doctor sits before Bill at the table.

BILL: YOU’RE THE MEDICINE MAN. YOU SEE SIGNS IN NATURE ITSELF. TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Panel 8. The Witch Doctor shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. Bill hangs his head in defeat.

WITCH DOCTOR: YOU KNOW, I MISPLACED MY PROPHECY BONES AND DIDN’T GET A CHANCE TO STOP AT KFC ON THE WAY HERE.

WITCH DOCTOR: DO YOU HAVE ANY CHICKEN IN THE FRIDGE?

Panel 9. Bill points to the door (off panel) behind the Witch Doctor.

BILL: JUST GET OUT.

BILL: ALL OF YOU GET OUT.


Page 4.

Panel 1. Bill turns to Fred in disbelief.

BILL: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. THEY’RE ALL FULL OF SHIT.

Panel 2. Bill stands. Fred shakes his head.

BILL: THE ONLY RELIGION I HAVEN’T BELIEVED IN IS THE ONE WHOSE BAD GUY IS RUNNING AGAINST ME.

FRED: I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HOOKED YOU UP WITH THE POPE WHEN HE WAS IN TOWN.

Panel 3. Bill smiles a little as he speaks to Fred.

BILL: I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SO WORRIED.

BILL: THE WORST I’VE GOT TO HIDE IS A HEART CONDITION AND A COUPLE OF QUESTIONABLE LOBBYIST FUNDED “FACT FINDING” TRIPS.

Panel 4. Off panel, Jerry (A super-effeminate gay man, wearing only a dog collar, cowboy hat, nipple clamps and a leather Speedo, covering a giant penis) yells for Bill. Bill and Fred turn. Fred cringes while Bill smiles happily.

JERRY: OH BILLY!

BILL: JERRY!

FRED: OH DEAR GOD...

Panel 5. Jerry runs into frame yelling at Bill. Bill excitedly prepares to embrace him. Fred continues to cringe.

JERRY: I CAME AS SOON AS I HEARD!

Panel 6. Jerry and Bill embrace lovingly as Fred looks on in disgust.

JERRY: ARE YOU OKAY? I WAS SO AFRAID I’D LOST YOU!

BILL: I’LL BE FINE. I’LL BE FINE.

Panel 7. Jerry pulls back to model his outfit for Bill. Bill grins. Fred looks away.

JERRY: I WORE YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT TO CHEER YOU UP!

BILL: OH YES, I SEE THAT!

Panel 8. Bill (raising his eyebrows) and Jerry walk off to the right arm in arm. Fred puts his hand on his head and grimaces.

BILL: YOU’VE RAISED MY SPIRITS ALREADY!

JERRY: YOU ARE SO DIRTY!

FRED: “SIGH”

Panel 9. Fred watches Jerry and Bill (now off-panel) walk away and talks to himself.

FRED: I ALWAYS THOUGHT SATAN WOULD BE A REPUBLICAN...

END.

S2K Part 5
(c) Adam Greene
10-6-2000


Page 1.

Panel 1. Jeff Wendal (fictional character—around 28 years old or so) knocks on a hotel door. The hall is empty and darkened. The camera is to his left and stays there unless otherwise noted.

JEFF: SENATOR MCCANN?

JEFF: SENATOR?

Panel 2. Jeff knocks and jiggles the doorhandle.

JEFF: JOHN?

Panel 3. The door opens much to Jeff’s surprise.

Panel 4. Jeff enters the room. The camera stays outside.

JEFF: SENATOR?

Panel 5. Jeff slips on something just as he enters the room.

JEFF: SENATOR MCC—WHOA!

Panel 6. Jeff falls flat on his back in the doorway.

JEFF: OOOMF!

Panel 7. Jeff sits up in the doorway. The camera moves to the right.

JEFF: WHAT THE HELL?

JEFF: WHAT’S ALL OVER THE FLOOR?

Panel 8. Camera is inside the darkened room. Jeff stands in the doorway, only a faint light behind him. He’s reaching for the lightswitch.

JEFF: I’LL NEED TO CALL A MAID BEFORE SOMEONE BREAKS THEIR—

Panel 9. Jeff is in the same position as the previous panel. His jaw has dropped. The lights go on, revealing that the floor is covered in huge pools of blood. The walls are splattered with it like a slaughterhouse. Jeff’s pantlegs and shoes are covered in blood. A large bushy plant (big enough to hide a man) sits on the left side of the door.

JEFF: (lower case except for the “G”) oh my God...



Page 2.

Panel 1. (Long panel atop page) A dead cow lies in the middle of the room, hacked to death with a machete (ala Apocalypse Now). The machete still sticks out of the back of the cow’s neck. The TV in the background is on snow. Jeff is in the foreground, still shocked.

JEFF: NO NO NO NO NO.

Panel 2. Jeff quickly looks out the door (camera is in the hall again) to see if anyone has seen anything. The hallway is empty.

Panel 3. Jeff slams the door. (camera still outside).

Panel 4. Back inside, Jeff stands with his back to the door, panicked. His eyes darting about the room.

JEFF: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. THEY WARNED ME SOMETHING LIKE THIS MIGHT HAPPEN.

Panel 5. Jeff puts his hands to the side of his head.

JEFF: THINK-THINK-THINK...

JEFF: WHAT SHOULD I DO FIRST?

Panel 6. Jeff speaks in the foreground, behind him, a bare leg moves out from behind the large bush.

JEFF: I’VE GOT TO CLEAN UP. I—I—

Panel 7. The camera is behind Jeff (it’s from McCann’s perspective). Two hands are visible. One reaches for Jeff, the other holds a military survival knife.

JEFF: I— HOW THE HELL DID HE GET A COW UP HERE?

JEFF: IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY--



Page 3.

Panel 1. (Long panel at atop page) McCann (John McCain) grabs Jeff violently from behind, clasping his open hand over Jeff’s mouth and holding the knife to his throat. Jeff is surprised and scared. McCann is wearing only his underwear and tie (except it’s tied around his head like a headband). He’s also covered in intricate markings drawn from the cow’s blood (face, chest, arms—everywhere)

JEFF: SEMMPH!

MCCANN: DON’T YOU TOUCH IT!

Panel 2. McCann whispers into Jeff’s ear. Beads of frightened sweat roll down Jeff’s face. McCann removes his hand from Jeff’s mouth.

MCCANN: YOU’RE UNCLEAN.

MCANN: I’VE GOT TO PURGE YOU, JEFF. WE HAVE TO BE STRONG.

JEFF: WH.. WH.. WHAT?

Panel 3. McCann grabs Jeff by the shoulders. McCann smiles.

MCCANN: THIS ANIMAL HAS GIVEN ME HIS SOUL, JEFF.

MCCANN: HE SURRENDERED IT TO ME SO I COULD DEFEAT SATAN.

Panel 4. A close-up of Jeff’s terrified face.

MCCANN: THE ANIMAL TOLD ME TO DO IT. HE WANTED ME TO BE PRESIDENT.

MCCANN: DO YOU WANT ME TO BE PRESIDENT, JEFF?

Panel 5. Jeff nods nervously.

JEFF: YEAH... YEAH, JOHN.

MCCANN: THEN WE HAVE TO MAKE YOU CLEAN.

Panel 6. John squats in front of the cow’s body. Jeff shakily wipes the sweat from his brow.

JEFF: LISTEN, JOHN. WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET THIS COW OUT OF HERE.

Panel 7. McCann turns back to Jeff, holding the cow’s bloody heart in his left hand.

JEFF: I DON’T KNOW HOW WE’RE...

JEFF: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?



Page 4.

Panel 1. McCann holds the heart in front of Jeff’s face. Jeff is repulsed.

MCCANN: IT’S THE HEART, JEFF.

MCCANN: YOU MUST CONSUME THE HEART TO TRULY CLAIM THE ANIMAL’S POWER.

Panel 2. A close-up of Jeff’s quivering, revolted face. Sweat beads on his forehead and upper lip.

Panel 3. Jeff turns his head away, still repulsed.

JEFF: OH SCREW THIS!

Panel 4. Jeff points at McCann angrily. McCann continues to hold the bloody heart out.

JEFF: I SWORE WHEN I GAVE GINGRICH THAT HAND JOB THAT IT WAS THE LAST TIME I WOULD COMPRIMISE MY OWN BODY FOR ANY OF YOU FUCKING BASTARDS AGAIN!

Panel 5. Jeff storms away, waving his arms. McCann stands in the background, shocked himself.

JEFF: FUCK YOU, FUCK THE PARTY, AND FUCK THIS WHOLE DUMBASS COUNTRY!

Panel 6. Jeff jerks the door open as he turns back to McCann.

JEFF: I HOPE THE FUCKHEAD VOTERS SHOVE YOU, SATAN AND THE...

Panel 7. Jeff slips in the blood puddle in front of the door as he turns to leave again.

JEFF: ...WHOLE—WHOOP!

Panel 8. A close-up of McCann frowning as Jeff has crashed to the floor off-panel.

JEFF: FUCKING SHIT!

Panel 9. Back to the door. It slams shut. In the foreground, John McCann looks at the heart in his hand, pondering events.

JEFF: (THROUGH THE DOOR) I HOPE YOU AND THE DEMOCRATS ALL GO TO HELL!

MCCANN: THE DEMOCRATS....

MCCANN: I ALWAYS THOUGHT SATAN WOULD BE A REPUBLICAN.

END.

Finally, this is a promo image we came up with (that we also wanted to sell as a poster). It's Satan on the cover of George Magazine.