Originally posted 08/27/2004

-In a story we missed last week, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey announced his resignation and fondness for hairy man ass to a room of crowded reporters. McGreevey’s real problem stems not from his taste for testes, but that that he improperly hired his butt buddy, Golan Cipel, to be his homeland security adviser. Something Golan was not qualified for as his background lay mainly in unicorn poetry and the somewhat relevant fact that he wasn’t an American citizen and couldn’t legally attend any homeland security meetings. Since he couldn’t actually show up for work, Cipel instead decided to sue McGreevey for sexual harassment. McGreevey, caught with his hand on the cookie squirter, had little choice of what to do next. Trapped in a web of government corruption, he did what any man would do in his place; hold a press conference and claim he’s resigning the governorship because he loves cock.

With his wife at his side, McGreevey said, “At a point in every person's life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one's soul and decide one's unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is." McGreevey continued, “That I am just one more in a long line of corrupt politicians that should be in prison. Wait! Scratch that. Instead let’s go with… uh.. ah, I got it. …And so, my truth is that I am a gay American."

-Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry appeared in public red-eyed, flush-faced with a diaper full of poopy last Friday as he called on President George W. Bush to put a stop to the Swift Boat Vets for Truth ads that he has no control over or responsibility for.

"The president keeps telling people he would never question my service to our country. Instead, he watches as a Republican-funded attack group does just that," Kerry told a firefighter’s union through large gasping snot-filled sobs.

"They're a front for the Bush campaign. And the fact that the president won't denounce them tells you everything you need to know -- he wants them to do his dirty work," Kerry whined to the slack-jawed crowd. When asked why he has not condemned the many independent organizations such as Moveon.org and ACT who have made anti-Bush attack ads and share lawyers with his campaign, he replied, “Because they are trying to help ME do MY dirty work. Hello?? Duh. I only want to talk about these republican ads. Get with it, people.”

The Swift Boat Vets’ claims have been widely discredited based on the historical record of medal citations awarded to Kerry and one of their members, Larry Thurlow. Thurlow disputes Kerry’s and the medal citation’s account of a March 1969 event in the Mekong Delta. A fact that has received derision on any and all news networks that aren’t Fox News. Truly, medal citations cannot be questioned for their accuracy. As we learned when Bob Kerrey, who many of John Kerry’s staff confuse with their boss, received a bronze star and citation for “heroic achievement in killing 21 Viet Cong, burning two peasant huts, and capturing two enemy weapons.” For an event that he admitted in 1998, after being outed by one of the men in his unit, was an unwarranted massacre of unarmed civilians, women and children. Truly, Vietnam era medals and citations are above reproach.

(Note- Link to the Bob Kerrey story is here.)

Orginally posted 08/20/2004

For those of you who, like me, thought that it would be a cold day in Hell when you see Pearl Jam and the Dixie Chicks play on the same stage, are pretty sure Hitler’s wearing a parka right now as they join Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, Bonnie Rait and a plethora of artists you don’t hear on the radio anymore on the Vote For Change tour. Sponsored by stupidity-powered MoveOn.org and America Coming Together, Vote For Change was formed to convince you that voting lockstep with a party that controlled both houses of Congress and the Presidency for the majority of the last century is somehow making a move against the establishment.

R.E.M. basist Mike Mills took a break from yellowing his teeth to explain his band’s participation by saying, "The purpose of this tour is to make John Kerry the next president. And in doing so, we will unseat the guy who's got to go down as the worst president in the history of this country." Proud of the loss of credibility he’d just suffered, he turned to share a high five with Dave Matthews and missed, falling to the floor and cracking a bicuspid he had been working on turning orange for the last 15 years.

“It’s the first time Bruce and the E Street Band ever stood up and made a clear political statement,” Dave Matthews told The Associated Press, adding, “Usually he just mumbles a lot and makes that ‘I’ve got to shit’ face. This time, though, he’s articulating and enunciating actual words. He really is the boss!”

Actually being on the stage with people possessing actual musical and lyrical talent is new to Dixie Chick Natalie Maines, but she knows they all stand for the same thing. Maines said. “There’s never been a political climate like this, which is so the polar opposite of me as a person and what I believe in.” She was then asked what she believed in and replied, “Me having an actual career and making money. Something that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore.” Maines was then told there were Chips Ahoy in the green room and was no longer available for comment.

"The upcoming election provides everyone an opportunity to change the direction our country is headed and to elect a government that is just, rational and respectful of the views and rights of the people it serves," Pearl Jam's Stone Gossard said beneath a cloud of hashish smoke. "This coalition of artists wants to be a part of that change." He continued, “Unless that’s any real change, like, for instance, freeing three full populations of the world and killing or capturing thousands of terrorists, making the world a better and safer place for everyone who lives on it. We, as a group, are firmly against that.”

"At some point, you can't sit still," adds Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder. "You can't spend your life, when people are getting killed, without asking serious questions about why." Veddar added, “Like why we were all fine about Clinton’s bombing of Iraq? Was I too busy promoting No Code or doing DVD commentary for Singles? Why was it okay for Clinton to act unilaterally without the U.N.’s backing in Eastern Europe? What makes the mass graves in Bosnia more of a tragedy than those in Iraq? Would it help if the Iraqis were whiter? You know, important questions like that.”

Originally posted 02/20/2004

-It took him 53 years, but former Vermont Governor Howard Dean finally discovered something that the rest of us already knew: He is a big loser. Yes, after being ass-raped by his fellow democratic nominees, Howard Dean has officially suspended his campaign for president. "I am no longer actively pursuing the presidency," Dean screamed as he was tasered by a group of Montpelier, VT police during a nude rampage through Shaws supermarket. "We will, however, continue to build a new organization using our enormous grass-roots network to continue the effort to transform the Democratic Party and to change our country,” he wailed through a rain of billy clubs striking his head and shoulders. As he was dragged from the supermarket, covered only by an officer’s spare coat and the thick mane of curly gray ape-hair that God gave him, Dean cried out to the gawking crowd of hippies and hacky sack players saying, "The bottom line is that we must beat George W. Bush in November, whatever it takes! HAAAAAROOOOOOOOOO!" Later, as he flung his fresh feces at his fellow cellmates at the Montpelier detention center, he yelled, “There is enormous institutional pressure in Washington against change, in the Democratic Party against change. Yet, you have already started to change the party and together we have transformed this race! The fight that we began can and must continue!" Goodbye, Howard Dean. You will be missed.

-For all intents and purposes the democratic race is down to the two Johns; Kerry and Edwards. Because of that, and the fact that he’s been crushed like Ted Kennedy’s last fifteen senate chairs, Edwards has challenged Kerry to a policy debate on This Week with George Stephanopoulis before the upcoming primary in Georgia. He wants to focus on their differences, stating, “He supported NAFTA. I voted against NAFTA and other trade agreements that he supported, and I think it's been devastating to our economy. But I think more importantly the voters of Georgia need to hear what our differences are across the whole broad range of issues.” He continued, “Like, for instance, I’m a handsome man and he’s a freakish flesh-eating soulless corpse. I want to meet you and talk about your problems. He wants to consume your brain. You know, just your basic stuff.”

-Ralph Nader is back! Al Gore’s favorite Green Party candidate and the first person to taste the bitter sting of a Michael Moore endorsement, has tossed his feathered elf hat into the ring with another laughable run at the White House. Unlike last time, when he had all four members of the Green Party and their yellow and white VW van behind him, he’ll be running as an independent.

Originally posted 02/13/2004

-The democratic presidential primary was kneed in the groin Wednesday by allegations that someone in the world might have willingly had sex with John Kerry that wasn’t contractually obligated to. And, yes, gag. As broken on The Drudge Report, John’s been giving an intern his own “cigar as speculum” treatment. In a panic Kerry gave the (evidently blind) intern an all expenses paid trip to Africa, thinking that, perhaps, Antarctica might have seemed a tad too suspicious. In an interview on Imus in the Morning, the pathetically small audience heard Kerry’s denial, saying, “there is nothing to report.” He then added, “Because if I’d slid in and out of that sweet, sweet, young ass I would have reported it. You know what I’m saying? I think you do. Oh yeah.” Kerry then attempted to wink, but the botox needle jutting over his eye socket prevented it.

Aside: You know, if I can plant the haunting visual of John Kerry having sex into just one person’s brain, my job here is done.


(Note from the future...or at least today[04/04/2005]. When I wrote this next section I wasn't aware that Bill O'Reilly had had this book out for a while. I saw and ad and thought it was new. In my defense, I have a life and no desire to read any of O'Reilly's books and feel no shame in not knowing his bibliography. The irony is, I actually found this out by reading Al Franken's book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.)

-In an attempt to assault and destroy all literature, TV commentator and professional screaming head Bill O’Reilly has written a novel. In Those Who Trespass, the main character, Tommy O’Malley (not kidding, that’s the name. He should have gone with Phil O’Schreilly. It would have been less obvious that way) attempts to solve a string of very “Clue: The Board Game” style murders at Global News Network (aka GNN). For instance, one white house correspondent is killed with a silver spoon at Martha’s Vineyard. And, again, I promise I’m NOT KIDDING. During the mystery, the main character tries to hook up with super hot reporter Ashley Van Buren who, most likely, is not based in any way on super hot CNN reporter Ashleigh Banfield. I mean, the “Ashley” is spelled totally different and the last name, starting with a “B,” is obviously much different when you stick a “Van” in there. Come on, people. Bill isn’t confessing a pathetic, secret crush here at all. I’m guessing, but I’d also bet that “Tommy” at one point fights Hollywood actor Jeorge Flooney to the death, tosses comedian Sal Frankmen off a roof, kills each and every illegal immigrant crossing the U.S./Mexico border with a kitchen knife and angrily tells a terrorist attack victim’s son to “Shut up! Just shut your stinkin’ mouth!”

-Maurice Clarett won’t have to wait until 2005 to buy his gold-plated Escalade, as U.S. District Court Judge Shira Scheindlin ruled that he could enter the NFL draft this year. Clarett had been denied eligibility by the NFL because of a rule stating that a player has to have been out of high school for three years before they can be drafted. Clarett responded to that, saying that he had never been to class in high school anyway and all his work was done by “some nerd named Toby something-or-other”. He then tried in vain to read aloud an employee’s name tag at McDonald’s, saying, “Yeah, Keel el lee. I’ll have the Big Mac extra value meal. And sup-per sieyeezeee it.”

-The U.S. Men’s Soccer team gave us, as a country, one more reason to hate them as they were eliminated from competing in the Olympic Games by losing to Team Mexico 4-0 while their fans chanted “Osama! Osama!” and threw bags of urine on the field. What a bunch of pussies. And I’m not talking about the Mexican fans. Yes, anyone that would do that is human shaped shit, but if our players can’t pull it together and win the game while fans pelt them with piss and praises to their worst enemy, they suck an ass the size of Texas. This was a movie moment. This was a “Do you believe in miracles?” kind of thing. This was the time you could have really put your sport on the American map and given us, as a country, a reason to even learn your names. Yes, fuck you Mexican soccer fans. You should all rot in hell. But fuck you too, U.S. Soccer team. You should all be cleated in the nuts.

-On UPN’s Game Over, a computer generated comedy about a family of video game characters debuting March 10th, the Smashenburn family (Rip, the dad-Raquel, the mom- Alice, the daughter- Billy, the son) can look forward to a visit from the Tomb Raider herself, Lara Croft in an upcoming episode. In the show, Lara will visit the family and let Rip and Billy stare at her large digitized breasts. In a related episode, the guy from GTA: Vice City smashes his car into their house, has sex with Raquel, then shoots her in the face with a rocket launcher.

-Conan O’Brien hasn’t been in Canada for even a week and he’s already pissed off the entire country. And, one more time, unbelievably, I AM NOT KIDDING. In an appearance by Triumph: The insult comic dog, Triumph insulted the Canadian national pride by saying, “You’re French.. I can smell your crotch from here.” Conan’s show has also been replacing street signs with ones saying “Quebequeer Street” and “Rues Des Pussies”. All funny and wonderful things, but Canadians, ironically, seem to be lacking a sense of humor. A country whose main export seems to be comedians can’t get the joke? Alex McDonough, from the New Democratic party (even nuttier than our clown car of a democratic party, it seems) said, “There may be those who would say, 'Isn't this interfering with freedom of expression?' It's not interfering to say we will not publicly fund this kind of vile, vicious hatemongering.” He then added, “I live on Quebequeer street! And I will not stand being called a queer by an inanimate street sign!” Late Night with Conan O’Brien is broadcast in Canada by CHUM television (CHUM? For God’s sake, Canada. What the hell?). Chum was contrite, issuing a statement, “We offer our apology and assurance that it is never our intention to air programming that offends any of our viewers.” In another statement released just today, Triumph also expressed regret, stating, “Yes. Yes. Canada is a beautiful country. A wonderful, fantastic country. A terrific, spectacular country… … … … … for me to poop on.”

Originally posted 02/04/2004

-John Kerry, Massachusetts senator and professional brain-eating zombie, swept up five of the seven democratic primaries held Tuesday, prompting rival Howard Dean to shout out, “Man! Have we got this thing sewn up or what? Oooga Boooga! Kreegah!”

Kerry, of course, was elated at the wins, saying, “It's a huge night. I'm stunned by it. It shows strength across the country and across demographics. It's a statement by Democrats across the country that I am the candidate who can take on George Bush and beat him." He then added, “And, yes, I’m pretty high from sniffing glue right now.”

His chief rivals, John Edwards and Wesley Clark also each won a primary to stay statistically alive for the nomination. In a related story, Vermont Governor Howard Dean had a free thickburger coupon turned down at Washington Hardees because it had expired three days before. Speaking to three homeless people and a foreign exchange student from Croatia, Dean said, “We're going to have a tough night tonight, but here's why we're going to keep going and going and going and going and going just like the Energizer bunny. We're going to pick up some delegates tonight, and this is all about who gets the most delegates in Boston in July, and it's going to be us." Dean then looked down at the growing urine stain in his pants, clapped his hands loudly together and said, “I made a pee pee! I made a pee pee!”

John Edwards was more subdued after winning his home state of North Carolina, telling the crowd, “You said that the politics of lifting people up beats the politics of bringing people down.” He then continued, “And because of that, you proved that you know absolutely nothing about American politics. Thanks for the vote, you fucking dumbasses!”

For his own win, unemployed General Wesley Clark stated the obvious after winning Oklahoma. “The message [Democrats] sent couldn’t be clearer, “Clark said. “America wants a higher standard of leadership in Washington.” He then added, “And that’s pretty much why I’ve lost every single contest up to this point but one.”

Tuesday was not without its casualties, however, as Senator Joe Lieberman finally managed to read the writing on the wall and dropped out of the race. "It is time to make a difficult but realistic decision,” Lieberman said in his concession speech, “to end my quest for the presidency of the United States of America. “ Why Lieberman picked now to make his “realistic decision” is anyone’s guess. He could have easily made the same “realistic decision” before he even declared himself as a nominee. Still, Lieberman was proud of the way he ran his campaign, saying, “I may not have shouted the loudest, but I'm proud I took the tough position in support of what I believe was right for our great country -- even when it wasn't popular. Which, evidently, doesn’t work when you’re trying to get elected president. Who the hell knew?"

Originally posted 02/02/2004

-Groundhog Day is a time of celebration for the good folks in Punxsutawney, PA. And today was no different as famous weather forecaster, Phil the groundhog, popped out of his hole this morning, saw Janet Jackson's boob, and predicted six more weeks of sexy. Immortalized by the movie starring Bill Murray, Phil also managed to see his shadow Monday morning, and while far less interesting than Jackson's nipple ring, that is the one job the lazy bastard actually has. In a statement Phil labored on for weeks, he got political, saying, "I'm glad I live in this luxurious burrow on the knob, and not in a dirty, smelly, spider hole like a slob. When I come out, I don't want to negotiate; but to just do my job and prognosticate." Surely truer words have never spoken by a giant, 80 pound buck-toothed rat.

-"He misrepresented himself, grossly misrepresented himself, as a candidate who would take on special interests in Washington, instead he's spent the last twelve years filming himself having sex with goats" blithering madman Howard Dean said of democratic frontrunner John Kerry on the eve of Tuesday's seven state primary. The harsh rhetoric has been emblematic of a tough primary race between Kerry, who's won every single one held, and Dean, who has spent the last three weeks huddled in a bathroom floor in a puddle of his own piss.

Undaunted, Kerry snapped back at Dean's charges. "My record responds to that," he said. "I have fought powerful special interests every step of the way." He then added, 'And I have never, even once, filmed any of the sex I've had with goats."

"I don't know what happened to Dean's positive campaign, but it is the shortest-lived positive campaign I have ever seen," Kerry said Monday in Tucson while wiping goat's milk from above his lip.

Since becoming the frontrunner, Kerry's new fresh "Son of Frankenstein-ian" face has brought about charges that he's recently injected a horrible poison called Botox into his face in order to kill his facial muscles. A charge Kerry has denied, stating publicly that he just always looks this cadaver-y. "When you have no soul," Kerry said through his zombie-like monotone, "the eyebrow movement is the first thing to go."

For his part in the fray, John Edwards has kept away from any goat-fucking and botox allegations, focusing instead on where Kerry's campaign contributions have come from, saying, "I don't take contributions from lobbyists, and he obviously does."

To which Kerry responded, "Well, duh, Gomer. Why the hell do you think I'm winning?"

Originally posted 02/01/2004

-This is the first installment of Yesterday's News and it would be foolish to start anywhere other than the most important, hyped and watched event in the world yesterday. Yes, I'm talking about when Janet Jackson whipped out her tit on the Super Bowl halftime show.

To be fair, Justin Timberlake did the whipping out, during a lip synced performance of his song, well, shit, I couldn't tell you the name of it to save my life. Anyway, there's this line about "being nekkid", and, sensing that there may be one breast on the planet he had yet to see in person, Justin disrobed Janet's bejeweled bosom to the delight of a world audience, including the three hundred or so countries where seeing a woman's naked breast gets you arrested, stoned and your eyes ripped out and fed to hyenas.

CBS's Leslianne Wade released a statement saying, "CBS deeply regrets the incident" Adding, "But damn, that was hot! I saw areola! I fucking swear I did!"

For his part in the event, Justin Timberlake blamed the people in charge of dressing Jackson. He said, "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable." He then continued, "Because if I could have gotten it off sooner, I could have really sucked the shit out of that nipple! Damn. What the hell did the costumers put it together with? Teflon cord? I haven't had to work that hard releasing a nipple since Britney accidentally zipped hers up in that red leather jumpsuit."

NFL executive vice president Joe Brown was equally perturbed, saying, "We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced halftime show. They were totally inconsistent with assurances our office was given about the content of the show." Brown then added, "I was told that both breasts would be exposed, would be bouncing and that the camera would fixate on them for at least the 23 and half seconds it would take me to ejaculate. It's unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime."

For its part in the event, MTV was also remorseful. In their statement, they apologized by saying the moment was "unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional and was inconsistent with assurances we had about the content of the performance. Janet was supposed to actually remove her pants, bend over and let Timberlake penetrate her anally. Again, we're sorry. We really dropped the ball on this one."

-In a related story, Super Bowl 38 was actually played and it was a pretty good one. The final score was New England Satan's Nut Sacks (a.k.a. Patriots) 32, Carolina Panthers 29.

-In Holland, Michigan, a nerd proved it was possible, much to the scientific communities' disbelief to actually pass on his genetic code as John Blake Cusack and his wife Jamie welcomed son, John Blake Cusack 2.0 into the world last Tuesday. "I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake," Cusack said, adding, "I never made it through a day of public school without having my underwear pulled over my head and neither should he." A self-described "geek", John said convincing his wife Jamie was difficult, but won out when his other suggestions of "Worf Tiberius" and "Obi Wan Kosh" were taken off the table. In the electronic birth announcement, John stated that 2.0 has "...a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," He continued, "We're leaving him uncircumcised too, just to make sure the poor little guy doesn't stand a chance."