NEW- 4/28/2005

...People let me tell ya 'bout my best friend...


Italian Prime Minister Sylvio Burlesconi's favorite way to quiet political opposition in parliament is to unleash a deluge of "Your mama so fat" jokes.


Kim learned the hard way that "Chicken Penis Inspector" wasn't the glamorous career the movies make it out to be.


Former Team Italy soccer coach Arrigo Sacchi shows up to Real Madrid's practice wearing a pink cardigan tied around his neck, illustrating the 472nd reason why professional soccer will never catch on in America.


Embattled U.N. Ambassador nominee John Bolton takes a moment to straighten his askew glasses, thinking to himself, "Whew. That was close. For a minute there I looked ridiculous."


As Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah leaned in for a passionate tongue kiss, President Bush regretted jokingly asking a few moments before, "Whose dick do I gotta suck to lower these oil prices?"

Originally posted 10/22/2004

“So, uh, you gonna let me rub your nipples with a falafel or what?”


As usual, all Australian soccer player Shane Warner wanted after his third line of cocaine was a healthy dose of man-ass.


Sergio thought to himself, “At last, I now know why I got into bull fighting.”


Teresa Heinz Kerry, moments before she drunkenly removed her shirt and blinded three fourths of Ohio.


“Yes. Four more of dese and I might be able to touch John’s penis wi-dout vomiting.”


Pele' had heard enough of John Kerry’s bullshit.


“Dude, can you believe that Red Sox comeback?”


“Donna. Your husband, Christopher Reeve, has just died. You’re also incredibly wealthy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”


“Not only will I use taxpayer money to fund abortions. We’re going to fund other elective surgeries as well. What good is the right to have giant, milk-filled, D-cup titties, if one cannot afford giant milk-filled, D-Cup titties?”

Originally posted 10/09/2004

“Mmm. Now that’s good breast milk.”


Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin got a real kick out of those Carrot Top ‘Dial ATT” commercials.


“No, I haven’t bathed since 2002. What’s your point?”


A heated exchange during the first presidential debate occurred when President Bush rebutted Democratic nominee John Kerry’s assertion “Fire bad!” with his masterful counterpoint, “No. Fire gooooood. Cook things. Make warm.”


“Uh, dude. Did you just sniff my hair?”


“My ridiculous cartoon-like contortions aren’t forcing people to make fun of me and everything I stand for. Instead, they’re all pointing and laughing because they want to vote for Kerry now! It’s all working according to plan!”


Seriously. Someone needs to sneak up behind Michael Stipe and hit him in the head with a shovel.


“Uh, Mr. Kerry? I hope to God that’s a kielbasa in your pocket.”


After her humiliating public defeat, Ohio school teacher Sally O’Brien told reporters that this will be the last time she challenges the leader of the free world to an arm wrestling match.


Sean Connery takes a second to drink in the moment, certain, at last, that he is indeed the man now, dogg.


Yeah, uh… go ahead and give me one more whole turkey. Ah, shit. Better make it two.


“Sigh… I wish I could offer someone wood.”


“Come here and pull my finger."_____ “Oh no. I’ll not fall for that again!"

Originally posted 09/24/2004

Special Bad Movies Edition


“This will be the last time I come to Neverland Ranch, Mr. Jackson.”


“Gilligan! You and the Skipper don’t have to be nude in order for you to give him the Heimlich Maneuvvvveeeeeew dear God!”


“Yes, I’d love to learn more about the Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Or
“Wanna come inside and look at the wingchair I’ve crafted of human skin?”
Or
“Actually I do sell Amway. How did you guess?”


“Suck my nipple you son of a bitch!”


“Toni Morrison is the best writer living today and I’ll not let anyone tell me differently.”
Or
“I just don’t see how the pan-dimensional side of ‘M Theory’ holds up under any real scientific scrutiny.”


“Why do people keep calling me a dickhead??”



“I wish Earl would get over this ‘Goth’ bullshit.”


“Honey! I fell asleep in the cow pasture again!”

Originally posted 09/18/2004

John Kerry’s “I’ll be tough on terror” joke killed ‘em every time.


“I knew I shouldn’t have bought my Republican Party hat from Al Franken!”


"Yes. I will have another double bacon thickburger."


“I knew this uniform would get me some hoes.”


I don’t think I’m going to like Christian Bale in the new Batman movie…


Mildred just couldn’t keep her hands off John Kerry’s penis.


You know, maybe you need to rethink a campaign sign when, at first glance, it looks like your offering an ass kicking to my grandpa.

Originally posted 09/04/2004

Tony couldn’t believe his luck as he happened upon Marilyn Manson while holding his specially made “Marilyn Manson Ass Blaster™” and power glove.


I’d thought about making some lame joke like, “And I say to you, John Kerry, Hasta la vista, baby.” Until I realized that Arnold could easily make a statement almost exactly like that at any moment.


I’d like to give a shout out to all the fine-looking ladies in navy blue pants suits in the audience tonight.


Canada’s Alexandre Despatie celebrates winning a silver medal in the 100 Meter Homoerotic Double Fist Pump.


Cursing the lack of properly scheduled snack breaks at the Republican National Convention, Michael Moore begins eating his own left hand.


"And so I took John Kerry’s Dagwood sandwich. And I ate the whole damn thing. I even left the empty bag in the Senate fridge that had 'J.K. DO NOT EAT' written on it. That’s right, John. IT WAS ME!"

Originally posted 08/27/2004

Would all candidates who are openly supported by the North Korean government please raise their hands?


And with this face finally revealed, we now know why Bill Clinton went outside of the marriage for oral sex.


No one was shocked to learn that Isaac was Al Sharpton’s favorite wacky character from TV’S Love Boat.


Ted Kennedy pauses, unable to stop imagining the ass raping he should be suffering this very moment in prison.


“I’m just a nursing student! I know nothing of Vulcan physiology!”


It was at this moment, with Turkey’s Seref Eroglu’s balls grinding into his forearm and Seref’s ass hovering just inches from his face, that Ukraine’s Armen Vardanyan realized that Greco-Roman wrestling was actually kind of gay.


Just in time for Christmas, Namco will release “Bitch Slap John Kerry” on the X-Box and PS2.


Britney Spears and fiancé Kevin Federline enjoyed a private moment together at the lake this week…


“Hey Mike! How many whole barbequed cows did you just eat??”


Robert De Niro takes a moment, stunned that I was, in fact, NOT talking to him.


“Okay! It’s not funny anymore Antonia! Give me my swimsuit back!”


Italy’s Andrea Pirlo found himself on the unfortunate receiving end of one of teammate Alberto Gilardino’s squishy Gyro farts.


“Okay, stop kidding around. Where did you guys hide the ball?”


Oh my God! Somebody ate Robert Smith!

Originally posted 08/20/2004

“Hey, I used to have a pair of shoes just like those.”


The Canadian Olympic team has yet to medal in the 2004 Summer Games.


“I’ll just make this out to Room Number 903”


“So would you say that the cigar was this big? How far did you stick it in?”


A tragic day for Rugby fans everywhere, as the entire Wallabies squad was accidentally devoured by a hypoglycemic Camryn Manhiem.


It’s really too bad I already did the “Courtney Love-Dawn of the Dead” joke, because, well.. she's a zombie.


Nice one, Don. What the hell have you been eating? Cabbage?


Laura Bush never passed a female reporter without checking to see if her breasts were real.


“I see you went with the pant-suit again. Looks good. So can we do it in the butt tonight?”


Former president Jimmy Carter received official notice of his irrelevance today…


The French Olympic Team’s uniforms this year were designed to celebrate the spirit of their national identity.


The Gambler, Kenny Rogers, knew that this was, indeed, a time to hold 'em.


An action shot of British Olympic team member Morgan Neil winning the 100 meter head ass.


Bill Maher, in his vain attempt to come up with at least one funny joke in his life, at last turns to God for help.


In Henderson, Nevada, John Kerry knew he was expected to win votes the old fashioned way…


Nikolaos didn’t know what he loved more, the fact that he and Thomas had just won the synchronized diving gold medal, or that he had this incredibly gay picture to remember the moment by.

Originally posted 03/17/2004

Congressional leaders never tire of Bush’s dead-on drawing
of Senator John Kerry sucking a giant donkey penis.


John Kerry, in an effort to revitalize his campaign, had a
Botox needle surgically implanted in his right index finger.


Former President Bill Clinton reacted with disappointment
when he clicked on “Chat with LARGE AND LOVELY LADIES”
and was inadvertently routed to barely legal hot Asian teens.


David Letterman thought he’d mistakenly stumbled onto
the set of the new Dawn of the Dead movie before realizing
he was just being flashed by Courtney Love.


It wasn’t until they reached the 13 minute mark that Venezuelan soccer players Deportivo Tachira and Emerson Paniguitti realized their Post-goal embrace had turned into so much more.


John Kerry always found it hard to sit down without
first removing the large pole up his ass.

Originally posted 02/17/2004

Former democratic frontrunner Howard Dean realized his
popularity had waned, but still wasn’t prepared to be knifed
in the stomach in a Milwaukee restaurant.


Courtney Love was horrified to see the Creature from
the Black Lagoon standing before her, until she realized
she was looking in a full-length mirror.


Attempting to prove his detractors wrong, John Kerry tried
in vain to make his forehead muscles move.


“Honey, on second thought, let’s not eat Vietnamese tonight.”

Originally posted 02/09/2004

“I hate you, Robert Zoellick. I hate you so much.”


In order to add more money to his campaign war chest,
George W. Bush started his own county fair kissing booth.


Wesley Clark handled losing a lot better after his Oxycontin prescription was refilled.


Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf moments before
he celebrated his arrival in Russia with a ceremonial snot rocket.

Originally posted 02/06/2004

"It’s two… maybe three inches, tops. I’m
hung like a hobbit, for God’s sake!"


John Kerry Volunteer Brian Freeman could never successfully
say the word “caucus” without laughing just a little.


“Kiss me you beautiful bastard!”


Later, when they lay next to each other, the stench of
sex still wafting from their quivering bodies, Dick Gephart
lit two cigarettes, passed one to John and said, "Today.
Today was a good day, my love."


Meanwhile in Virginia, John Edwards continued his
monopoly of supporters most likely to be busted for
possession of child pornography.


George W. Bush pauses before his press briefing in order
to silently squeeze out his own gas related WMD activity.

Originally posted 02/04/2004

"I've lived... I've laughed and cried... I've had my fill my share of losing..."


Ratings were disappointingly low for Pakistani President
Pervez Musharref’s new morning talk show, "Wake Up, Rawalpindi!"


"No whammies! No whammies! STOP!"


Edward could never understand why his son Timmy hated him so much.

Originally posted 02/03/2004

"Duuude. I triple-dog dare you to eat that."


As the train barreled toward him, John Kerry realized
that it might have been a mistake to get directions to
his campaign rally from Wesley Clark.


"Tom, the party’s half over. When’s
he going to start stripping?"


"Memories. Sweetened through the ages just like wine..."

Originally posted 02/02/2004

"Dude, seriously. What the hell did you eat today?"


"She bangs! She bangs! Oh baby, when she moves, she moves!"


Former President Clinton held intern tryouts today...


As Governor General Adrienne Clarkson
read her budget speech, new Canadian Prime
Minister Paul Martin thought to himself, "Yeah,
I'd do her."


"Seriously, if I don’t get a Mexi-melt and a large Mr. Pibb
in the next five minutes, somebody’s gettin’ bombed."

Originally posted 02/01/04

Father, if I change religions do I get to see Janet Jackson's titty again?


"Ahmed, I am not sure our V-neck pullovers instill as
much fear in the infidels as the girl at Old Navy promised us."


In retrospect, it might not have been a good
idea for Howard Dean to list all the reasons
people shouldn’t vote for him and read them
aloud at every single campaign rally.



"Seriously, God. If you could just get one of the plastic
surgeons to confirm the botox thing… just one.
That’s all I’m asking."


Upon his arrest, singer James Brown shocked
the police present by saying, "You know what?
I, in fact, DO NOT feel good."


…And Justin Timberlake was never booed off a stage again…