What Price Protest?

WHAT PRICE PROTEST? ©Adam Greene 2003


With the nation at war and the threat of a terrorist attack its highest since 9-11, anti-war protesters have decided to flood the streets. The Police, Emergency Responders and Firefighters will be happy to know that while they could be stopping bombs from blowing up school buses, airplanes and shopping malls, they’ll instead be standing in front of a police barricade as Tim, a theater major from NYU, shows his dad how much he hates him by screaming “NO WAR FOR OIL” into the back of a policeman’s head. Tim has been joined by his fellow NYU classmate Terri. Terri’s lifelong search for some sort of identity has led her here. Two years ago she got the butterfly tattoo. Last year she got her tongue pierced. This year she’s protesting.

People like Tim and Terri can find out about upcoming protests on many of the websites their college professor told them about through his giant, bushy, protest beard.

Sites like www.protest.net . Protest.net tells me that on May 20th I could protest the war if I wish. The location, according to the site, is “EVERWHERE”. I’ve never been to “Everwhere” and have no idea how to find it. It sounds like the name of some sort of inspirational fantasy epic. This only piques my curiosity. Is there a map to “Everwhere”? Can I drive my SUV there? Checking back with Protest.net a few days later, I see that “Everwhere” has been removed as a protest location. Possibly because of local Elf or Hobbit indifference and the sure lack of media coverage. Instead, Protest.net gives us the location of upcoming protests that will take place throughout the rest of the year. A year? We don’t even know who we’ll be at war with a year from now. How can I plan a protest if I have no idea what bizarre, convoluted conspiracy theory I’ll be using to defend my opposition? Way to drop the ball, Protest.net .

Disappointed, I go to Not in Our Name’s website (www.notinourname.net). I’m delighted to find this a key protesting resource. Now, while you’re covering yourself in red paint and burning a U.S. Flag, you can dress in one of Not In Our Name’s stylish “Protest Tees”. Baby doll and XX sizes available, and, thankfully for peace, all major credit cards are accepted. Get special discounts when you buy more than one! After you’ve purchased your T-shirt, sit back and enjoy Not In Our Name’s TV commercial, which they can get no major cable network to run. See a young girl in a turtleneck the size South Dakota telling you that “There is no positive outcome to this war”, a be-dreadlocked man speaking gibberish that sounds suspiciously like “yousha killja booboo bee”, a girl so upset and scared that she’s lost the ability to properly wear a hat, and more. There’s the greasy girl with herpes sores and a pierced bottom lip lamenting, “They don’t listen to us”. There’s the pot head in the fur Gilligan hat, taking just enough of a break from Grand Theft Auto Vice City to tell us that there are millions of people just like him.

You might say, “What can I do?” Funny you should ask, because there’s a click-able link on Not In Our Name’s home page that asks the same question. You can take up the “Million Globes Campaign” where “The Not in Our Name Project calls on everyone to display the image of the earth across the USA to show unity with people around the world who are suffering from the injustices done by our government in our name.” But where to get the image of the globe? Where could you find something like that? Hmm. Why, yes, at the online Not in Our Name store where you bought your “Protest Tee”, of course. I thank you. Peace thanks you and your Capital One Visa card thanks you. Allow at least three weeks for delivery.

If you’re a little low on cash at the moment, hate America and are completely insane, you can visit International A.N.S.W.E.R.’s website (http://www.internationalanswer.org/) and become a communist, terrorist sympathizer and learn to love convicted criminals between your lunch-time pornography downloads. Regime change? Sure, says International A.N.S.W.E.R., but not in Iraq. No, Saddam is okay with these guys, it’s George Bush who needs to be removed from office and replaced by, if the site’s member list is any indication, a Stalinist dictatorship run by Fidel Castro. In all fairness, a move like that would end the Iraqi war. Kudos to them for thinking it all out for us.

Poor and Sane? www.unitedforpeace.org might be for you. United For Peace has a dropdown interface where you can pick your state and see how you can get involved. By choosing my own state, Tennessee, I find that I can protest the war for a full hour and half this Saturday outside of West Town Mall in Knoxville. 11to 12:30. And that’s AM, people, so you know these protesters are serious. An hour and half is no kidding around. Now, an hour, sure, you could dismiss that. But an hour and a half? I dare you to ignore that. Unless, you know, you stop somewhere and eat lunch or get your car quick-lubed or something. But, still, an hour and a half on a Saturday. That, sir, is a commitment to peace.

If your objection to the war comes from no moral place, but solely from your intense hatred of Republicans, you and Michael Moore are not alone. That’s because Moveon.org (www.moveon.org) has indeed moved on. Where it once existed to combat Bill Clinton’s impeachment and removal from office, it has now found a new purpose. Moveon.org is against any and all military action ordered and supported by Republicans. Why worry about the hypocrisy of supporting or ignoring a Bill Clinton ordered strike on Iraq in 1998? He was a democrat and Moveon.org makes it clear that that’s okay. Moveon.org also lists and supports financially political candidates it feels agree with their principles. And, can you believe it? Each and every one is a democrat. On their Political Action Committee page, Moveon.org states that they are “committed to supporting candidates for Congress who are committed to acting in the broad interest of the American public.” Unless, of course, the public is interested in removing Saddam Hussein from power and disarming Iraq by a 3-1 margin. Then the broad interests of the American public are something to be completely ignored. Keep up the good fight, Moveon.org.

Whether you hate America, Republicans or just your dad, it’s nice to know as you’re being honked at, yelled at and flipped off by someone your “die in” is making late for work, that there will still be somewhere you can go where everyone knows your name and accepts and agrees with your beliefs. Of course, the name they know you by is “HOTDUDE69”, but still, that should count for something.

The XFL, Because Adam Greene Said So.

(This article originally appeared on the now-dead NFLScoop.com Feb. 2001.)

©Adam Greene 2001

When the XFL was first announced, owner Vince McMahon claimed the “X” stood for “eXciting”, “eXhilarating” and “eXtreme”. When McMahon was told that none of those words started with the letter “X”, he punched the reporter in the face and poured a warm beer over his prone, unconscious body.

Thus, the match made in heaven, if by heaven you mean the hose-down room in a Malibu strip club, between the WWF and NBC began. This was supposed to be real football. Football with no rules. Gladiatorial contests where men fought for honor and honor alone... with six or seven ex Hooters waitresses grinding on the sidelines. It was to be everything the NFL was not.

Well, after watching the first game, all I can say is, “Vince, mission accomplished.”

Because I can actually be entertained by the NFL.

The XFL, on the other hand, was an endurance contest that, without the help of my “picture in picture” TV, I honestly don’t think I could have completed. McMahon should have warned us ahead of time that the “X” actually stood for “eXcruciating”, “eXcrement-like”, and “eXceptionally horrid”. It was indeed a spectacle... much in the same way a dog licking its anus is a spectacle. You can’t look away, but you’re glad you have no personal stake in it.

The contest starred the Las Vegas Outlaws, the New York/New Jersey Hitmen and the 40 or so players on each team that you’ve more than likely never heard of. These guys were supposedly playing “for the love of the game” only. I’m sure the hopes that an NFL scout might accidentally hit the TV remote as he reaches for the phone to call in a Little Caesars Stuffed Crust pizza had nothing to do with it at all. I couldn’t help but wonder if the only real thought on their minds was “So this is what my $50,000 college education got me.” The game, as all XFL games will be, was played on a natural surface, proving that there’s more grass in Las Vegas than what the staff smokes in the Sands’ restrooms.

There are some different rules in this new league. The first you’ll notice is the mad dash to the football that takes the place of the coin toss. The philosophy behind this, according to “Director or President of Something or Other” Dick Butkis (Hey, I can’t be bothered to learn everyone’s title here), was that “if you want the ball, you need to get the ball.” Well, great, but it looked to me like he should have said, “if you want to replace your lower intestines with a football, you need to run as fast as you can and jump on the football.” How anyone retained a working diaphragm, I’ll never know.

The pay scale is vastly different from the NFL’s as well. Quarterbacks make $5,000 a game, all other players make $4,500, except for kickers who get a wedgie and a free rental from Blockbuster.

Another big change from regular, entertaining football is that in the XFL, there's no "fair catch". Basically, instead of a fair catch, the XFL coverage team must give the receiving player a five-yard halo, and then try to tackle him. This is a move that should really be applauded. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said while watching an NFL telecast, “He’s calling for a ‘fair catch’. It’s this kind of crap that’s ruining the game!”

The game was moderated by Jessie “the belly” Ventura and Matt “the weenie” Vasgersian. You might recognize Vasgersian from those 989 Sports video game commercials that mocked ESPN’s wisecracking Sportscenter. You might recognize Jessie Ventura from your gubernatorial ballot. Good job, Minnesota.

The players in the XFL don’t have to put their names on the back of their jerseys...because that’s “old thinking”, “restrictive to creativity”, and “would make too much sense”. Instead, they can pick a nickname like “Hurricane” or “Tornado” or “Prisoner #857B”. My favorite nickname was picked by Las Vegas running back Rod Smart who had the phrase “He Hate Me” on the back of his jersey. And you know what? He was right. I did hate him.

The game began with a surreal round of self-humiliation as the home team players actually introduced themselves to the cameras. Most said their name and what college they attended, which was fine. It was those few fine fellows who decided to expound on themselves, their family and their talent that had me diving for the remote. At one point, a player gave “shout outs” to everyone in his particular branch of his family tree, admonishing the camera man who attempted to pull away that “I’m not done!”. He finally finished with a “peace” to his wife, informing her that she did indeed, “complete him”. He then screamed to Vince McMahon to “show him the money!” and finally entered the huddle informing the quarterback that he “had him at hello.”

Of course, this wouldn’t be a Vince McMahon venture without scantily clad women gyrating about, and the XFL cheerleaders were attractive... in that, “You can look at my breasts if you show me a folded $5 bill” kind of way. At one point when the game returned from a commercial break, we learned that one of the XFL cheerleaders, we’ll call her Amber because that’s as likely to be her name as anything, was a law student by day. We know this is true because we see her sitting at a desk typing and wearing glasses with her hair up. She then tells us, “But by night, I’m an XFL cheerleader” while taking off her glasses and letting her hair down. See? With the glasses on, she’s a law student and with them off, she’s a cheerleader. She’s just like Superman only more likely to kiss a girl.

The game was secondary to all this and the Outlaws won it 19-0. The ratings were pretty big though, and I’m sure Vince McMahon and NBC are all patting themselves on their hunched, steroid-filled backs right now. They’re proud, because this is a new era, a new tradition and a new league...named the XFL.

But, as I always say, “It doesn’t matter what your name is.”